Conversational Arts: The Foundation of All Relationships

In the late nineties I served as a volunteer prison chaplain. My job was to attend to the needs of the “waive juveniles” in the prison, whose crimes (usually murder) waived their juvenile rights and landed them with adult trials. Most were facing life sentences.

During my time as a volunteer prison chaplain, I noticed something extraordinary—most of these youth had never been truly listened to. They had never been given the time of day. When I actually took the time to suspend judgment and listen to their stories, an amazing change occurred. After twenty minutes of active listening, I observed visible markers that they were letting go of stress. For example, their breathing would deepen, their shoulders would drop, the tone in their voices would soften, their fidgeting would cease, and their wandering eyes would focus.

Ever since then, I have been convinced of the importance of active listening with our undivided attention, interspersed with brief clarifying questions. When people feel valued, when they know that you have listened, they are much more receptive to therapy and interventions. The healing potential of active listening got me into work as a licensed therapist today. I work with at-risk teens and adults struggling with various forms of trauma, substance use disorders, and/or mental health issues in a clinical setting.

The single most important thing I provide to my at-risk clients is not only a listening ear, but my approach. My approach is this: if I had the same parents and trauma history as my clients, I would have similar or worse symptoms than they have. So, I cannot judge them. My clients are perceptive. They sense my suspended judgement early on, then as a result they are receptive to therapy and counseling.

As my work as a therapist progressed, I came to realize the primal importance of communication skills. I say “primal,” because everything from good parenting to successful courtship, to landing the job interview, to international relations depends on it.

Relationships of all varieties have their ups and downs, yet communication skills and conversation are the foundation upon which all relationships are built and sustained. When our communication skills are reliable and based on principle, then relationships are built on a firm foundation. If there are cracks in communication skills there are fissures in the foundation.

Every long-term couple knows that over the years there will be ups and downs. Physical intimacy may ebb and flow. Yet, the one constant that determines the difference between a successful relationship and a failed one is conversation.

I want to touch on what I consider the core communication skills. The first one comes from the John Gottman Institute in Seattle, which studied relationships first-hand for over forty years. Let’s give an example of this principle instead of just naming it. Let’s say that you are sitting on the couch with your partner and she gets up to go to the kitchen. You say, “Honey, while you are up can you get me a soda?” Now she can respond one of three ways. She can walk down the hall as though she never heard you. We would call this “moving away” from your request. Or she can reach into the fridge and get your soda, then say, “Hon, I see there are some Ruffles Potato Chips next to the fridge. I know they’re your favorite. Do you want the chips too?” We would call this “moving toward your request.” Not only is she fulfilling your soda request, she is offering you more. Finally, she could respond, “get your own damn soda,” and walk away. We would call this “moving against.”

After forty years of observing couples communicating through one-way glass, The Gottman Institute came up with a brilliant insight, which we could say is the foundational principle of communication. That is in all human relationships we have two options: we can move toward the other person or we can move away from the other person. Yet, moving against really is not an option. It leads to toxicity and eventual potential breakup. So, we must discipline ourselves not to move against our partners and friends, even when we feel betrayed and devastated. Better to seek privacy, collect our thoughts and feelings, and come up with a creative response than to rush in with an accusatory tone.It is normal to move away in relationships. No one can be emotionally available to their partner or child or friend 24 hours a day. We all need space. And it is a sign of excellent communication skills when a conversation turns into a heated argument and one of the people says, “Honey, I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to argue with you. I love you. So, I am going to go for a walk now. I know we will work through this and maybe we can revisit the topic this evening. Yet, right now I just need to cool down.” This is beautiful and shows the utmost communication skills. What this maneuver does is prevent heated arguments that move against the other person, which can degenerate into name-calling and half-baked accusations, which could permanently damage the relationship. In other words, moving away in relationship is almost always healthy and shows maturity and good boundaries.

After seven minutes of conversation, The Gottman Institute can predict divorce with a 90% accuracy. This prediction is based on how many times the couple moves against each other in seven minutes. This is why disciplining ourselves not to move against our friends and loved ones is probably the single most important communication principle.

Now let’s consider the idea of the emotional bank account. It goes something like this: every time you kiss your partner when they come home and show excitement to see them, every time you remember their special day and commemorate it, every time you surprise them with their favorite mocha and pastry, every time you stop what you are doing and give them your undivided attention, you are sending a powerful message: you matter to me, your preferences are important to me, I value you. And each of these gestures is a “deposit” in the emotional bank account. The idea is that eventually every relationship is going to run into difficulty or a problem. It is inevitable. Yet, if there are enough deposits stored up in the emotional bank account, then the relationship will be able to handle the draining emotional withdrawal of the acute problem or relationship upheaval.

In therapy sessions one of the first things I ask clients who are struggling in their relationship is to do a homework assignment. Their assignment is to write down two or three things in their journal each day that they can do for their partner—little deposits into the emotional bank account like complimenting how they look in their new pair of jeans or offering to take the teenager to the weight room on the way to work, so they can have a break from taxiing the teen. Usually, clients report that these daily deposits have made a big difference—this is the common sense of the emotional bank account (EBA). As relationship experts Steven Covey, John Gottman, Deborah Tannen, and others have stated, “When it comes to relationships the little things are the big things.”

Many of my clients have never been taught basic principles of communication or their parental figures did not model good communication, so they are at a disadvantage in life. This is why I have often thought that a “Conversational Arts” class should be added to High School curricula. There are some high-school classes that most students will not use again after graduation. Whereas conversation skills can make the difference between success or failure in our primary relationships, career path, and life.

A third principle of good communication is verifying that you have understood what someone has said. This achieves two things. First, it assures the person that you care about what they are saying, and that you are listening. Second, it reveals gaps in communication, which lead to misunderstandings. A good sentence that models this kind of verification is, “This is what I heard you say and this is how it made me feel.” Then the person can verify that “yes, you heard me correctly,” or “actually, that is not what I meant.” Another variation on this is a direct question such as “When you said X did you mean Y or did you mean Z?” This models excellent communication because often times when a person says X, we may assume that they meant Y, but they actually meant Z.

Thin-slicing and assumptions are the banes of human communication, and are the primary culprit of communication breakdown. So, to exercise self-awareness and own up to our own assumptions and biases is essential. In the interests of clear communication, we can also gently point out the assumptions and biases and cognitive distortions in the speech of the person to whom we are talking, by asking questions or making an “I” statement. For example, you can say. “I think you are lumping me in with all Protestants. Yet, my brand of Christianity is very different than what you may think…”

I have heard it said that the word intimacy stands for “in to me see.” In the interests of seeing one another more deeply and more accurately, generally speaking it is best to do one of two things: make an “I” statement (so they can see you more clearly) or ask a thoughtful question (so you can see them more clearly).

Just about any conversational question is a good question, which will add clarity and dynamism to the conversation, such as, “why do you feel this way?”, or “is there anything I can do to help?” or “I didn’t quite understand that. Can you say it again?” et cetera. I statements are also best practices—not “you” statements like “you did this” or “you did that.” But “I feel…, I think…, I believe, I need, I want…”

Another root principle is to state preferences, not demands. A mature person will say, “I prefer that we see the movie Waking Ned Devine. The immature person will say, “If we are not watching Waking Ned Devine I am out of here.” Preferences are by nature spacious and gracious, allowing for the possibility that I won’t get my way.

Demands are authoritarian and rigid. They basically state, “My way or the highway.” To further this principle let’s say that my spouse says, “I really want to go to the farmer’s market after Quaker Meeting today.” Then I respond, “I would prefer to get mocha and walk the pier.” To settle this we can do a self-assessment. For example, I can say “On a scale of 1 to 10 how important is going to the farmers market today?” Then my spouse responds, “Well my friend is playing fiddle in the bluegrass band featured there, so my preference is an 8.” When I check in with my preference level, I realize that a stroll on the pier is more like a 6, so we go to the farmer’s market. Preferences are about conversational give and take. Demands are about rigid finality, which squashes conversation.

We also need to ascertain what a person wants from a conversation. Do they want understanding and empathy? Do they want help solving a problem? Do they want to establish group identity? Or do they want information? If someone seeking empathy is met with a problem solving approach the conversation will flop. Men in particular are prone to go into “fix-it mode,” when empathy, understanding, affirmation, and consolation are needed. On the other hand, if someone needs help solving a problem and we offer empathy, again there is a disconnect. Some naturally gravitate to one mode of communication or another, but that’s like strumming a one string guitar. We have to be able to respond to people where they are, be sensitive to what they seek, and adjust accordingly.

Research has shown that in-person communication is always better than virtual communication. When we are in person, we pick up on all kinds of nonverbal cues we wouldn’t apprehend otherwise. Even better than in person communication, is a shared conversational meal, or at least tea or coffee and a pastry. Studies have shown that the likelihood of a business deal reaching a successful conclusion is higher if the parties enjoy a meal together. Likewise, a coffee or a meal enhances relationship.

In conclusion, my grandmother, Marcella, had a fascination with owls and she used to say, “A wise old owl lived in an oak. The more he saw the less he spoke. The less he spoke the more he heard. Why can't we be like that wise old bird?” The practical application of this piece of folk wisdom is to monitor yourself and make sure you are in step with your conversation partner. It is best to listen more than we talk. So, when someone asks you a question and puts the spotlight on you, answer in brief, then draw out the other person with questions.

Author Deborah Tannen cited some studies in her book, Please Understand Me, which show that in college classrooms men tend to dominate male/female conversations and speak for two-thirds or more of the time. So, in mixed gender conversations, it is particularly important, for men like me, to keep responses brief and draw out the other person with clarifying questions.

In summary these are the core communication principles we have covered:

-Move toward or away your conversational partner, not against.

-Make consistent deposits in the Emotional Bank Account (EBA)

-Follow the best practices of making “I” statements (so the person can see you more clearly) and asking questions (so you can see the person more clearly).

-State preferences, not demands

-Discern what the person wants from the conversation, such as empathy, problem-solving, or information, and adjust responses accordingly.

-In-person communication is better than virtual.[PH1]

-It is best to listen more than you talk, so pause often and ask questions.

There are many other principles of communication that could be shared such as attention to attire, body language, eye-contact, and cross-cultural considerations. Yet, the fact remains that conversation and communication are the foundation of any marriage, business partnership, collegial relationship, or faith community.

Even though they are arguably the most important skills we can acquire, especially in our polarized times, conversational arts are generally under-valued and under-emphasized. It is time we pay more attention to conversational arts. Our families, friends, and Quaker communities will thank us.